Thursday, March 29, 2012

So cigaretts and cigars.

Tonight is a drinking night.

So Duh I'm fucking pissfaced now.
But for some odd reason I cant focus on that. I can only focus on stress.

 I posted in my last entry "I need a cigarette"

so as a 17 year old in cleveland- it's pretty fucking easy to get one of those ya  know. So I got some earlier. Hated them and threw them away. Buttttt I kept one. For what ever reason. So I was really upset and I went to go smoke one
 I'm actually a bit intimidated by cigarets. I have an addictive personalty. I don't want to get hooked. But I smoked one any way. thinking I might relax. I didn't. I hated it. It made my throat hurt and I felt guilty. So I flushed it down the toilette.

thennnnn...... seconds later craved it with an insane desire. I almost thought of grabbing it out of the toilette and drying it off and smoking it.

To which I answered in total conscience - WHAT THE FUCK?

Really. I could just go buy more. I told myself to go get some more wine. But it was like my body didn't want wine. My body wanted tobacco. What the hell? I thought. This is the quickest way to get cancer. I know first hand what regular smoking can do. I don't want to be a part of it.

You wanna know something funny? My parents told me when I was 13 that they stopped smoking in my name. See? I cant just be fucking ignorant and start now.
no, not a chance. But I want to. Tell me what do you think this means?

Actually- This blog is proving to be quite valuable because in the time its taken me to write this I have decided that I don't need a cig. still- love the cigars Allen brings over. No shit. But that's a different story.

How on earth do I react?

Someone please tell me.

The other day someone posted on facebook Hitler R.I.P.
I swear I died 1000 times over.

I wanted to beat the person who said this to a bloody pulp. I didn't care what they did to me. The ignorance of it was simply astounding. I couldn't contain my hatred. My great grandmother was a survivor of the Holocaust. I never met her. My grandfather (her son) has told me plenty of stories to make anger swell inside of me at even the slightest mention of Hitlers name.

Have you ever been so angry all your muscles tense, your throat clogs up and for whatever reason your mouth begins to water.

Its like your body has prepped itself into another mode of existence. I fell like, at 17 I am just now becoming aware of what it means to be uninnocent.  "I have recently entered a world where peers, people even my own age disagree, politically. And people think thoughts once only believed to be "evil". now they must be tolerated.. Fuck.

Now I need a cigarette. I feel like I have entered a new world.
 One so far fetched. where perhaps during the fight you might even bite teeth into the enemy and sink into the enemy and devour enemy whole. and burn anything left over. sorry. that sounds insane.

But I feel desperate. I feel alone. I don't know who to contact or call out to. This individual is clearly unintelligent. clearly uneducated. Why would they go so far as to post something so wrong as this. Isn't there anything we can do.

Maybe I'm too sensitive. But I feel so much hurt, so much pain. so much agony. I cant possibly stop my soul from bleeding. and anyone would feel the same if they knew the things Hitler and his policies did to my great grandmother specifically and all of the people born like her.

She wasn't Jewish you know. I'm not Jewish either. not that that's wrong in any way. Tolerance is key.
I have black hair and green eyes. Hitler could have killed or tortured me you know. my great grandmother was very beautiful she had blue eyes and brown hair. She was held captive for so long she almost starved to death. She was only held captive because of who her friends were and how she looked. she was engaged at the time to a guy who did die.  In camp. starved and over worked to death.

I fucking hate Hitler. cant stand him. cant stand it. couldn't deal with it ever. cant possibly.. .  I feel like.....I feel like I'm suffocating.

I don't know how to respond to this.
I know I should shake it off. But I am very close to my family. I don't know how to deal with a statement like this. I want justice. Please, someone help. In the name of what is right and what is good. what can I do?


its good to vent here because I know nothing is all I have.

This is what I am left with now.

A date

I am going to write at least three entrys today to catch you up.

So. You know that girl I have been texting?
well it got to the point where I was texting her almost every day. shes really sweet. She talks a lot. Well, texts. But the good this about text is that I can just shut my phone off and then look at them when i feel ike it. So It doesnt really bother me.

We like the same music. We both went to warped tour this year. Obviously I didnt know her then. That's awesome.  I cant imagine such a little person in a mosh pit ahahahahah. But apparently she loves those things. I like mosh pits myself. I kinda feel bad tho because I always end up elbowing some kid in the nose. Most recently it was a guy a bit older then me. I hit him in his mouth and broke his incisor.Made his lip bleed. I offered any help I could walked him to the first aid tent, and made sure he was ok. They told me I was not liable for injuries. Thank god. still, I hope someone fixed his tooth.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HAD TO STOP WHAT IM DOING BECAUSE THE NEWS JUST SAID THAT. .  . OH OH OH HOT BUTTERED JESUS!


AHHHHHH. I love scotch scotchy scotchy scotch. mm  mmmm mmmm down into my belly.

that girl. her name is Teresa. shes so adorable. We went cosmic bowling, and she looked a bit freaky because she had this light blue make up on her eyes that made her eyes kinda pop and sink into her skull in a creepy way.  I avoided looking directly at her face for this very reason. I dont think she noticed.

When we were back in my car I tried to get some smooches, ya know. :D

 But she put a halt to that right away. Simply smiled at me and planted a kiss on my face
I was only a bit mad. well mad isnt the right term. But I felt kinda anxious. I paid for dinner. Took her bowling and weve been sending text that might be more then a little provocative for the past week. I expected more then a kiss on the cheek. Seriously? My mom gives me a kiss on the cheek.

After the date I drove around near the lake. Through the neghiborhoods I used to know so well. Even at night they are just as I remembered them.

Drove near the house that is near and dear to me. But empty.

That house.

It was a lonely couple of hours.

When I got home at midnight I tired to be as quiet as possible so I wouldn't wake my parents. stepped in feeling almost depressed, so much had changed over the past year and now all i had to show for it was my boring life.

But then when I closed the door and turned around I was facing a mirror. the mirror my family has right in front of the entrance. its a silver oval framed in a curly silver colored wood carving thing.

And I saw the red lipstick on my face. Her kiss. I smiled and for a moment felt that even lifes smallest things can bring warmth.

Climbed the stairs and slept well.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Life has been so boring.

School feels like it is almost done but its not.
Its funny because I'm actually smart. No one will think this. because I post about drinking so much but I swear I am.
i think so god damned much. It gets in the way. everythign becomes a mesurement, a formula a statistic.

When i drink I can enjoy the crazy ruckus or "poetic" side of life.
I can just fucking relax, or get crazy if I want to.

Rarely get crazy. I'm not exacly invited anywhere. And I prefer to drink alone or in small groups.

My parents HAVE to suspect something. But I just scored 33 on the ACT.

They congradulate me and ignore my ... youthfull impulses. alcohol. I'm sure if i were smoking pot (which I don't do) They would flip the fuck out.

theyd deliver me to the juvinille. seriously.

But I know that would only slow things down, give me more time to think. That's not what I want right now. And besides itss much easier to get caught doing something stupid like that.          

" a cool white whine for a cool black girl"

Ill give 5 bucks to who ever can name the movie.


So. Schools great. Everyones asking me about weather or not I'm going to do my senior year. I dont. have to technically. i have already passed everything. Queenie is going. So I'm probably going to go. I dont know.

I'm not basing my life around Queenie. But might as well just take it easey for a year and Queenie makes the whole thing better. Elizabeth (Queenie) smokes pot. Not too much. But she does. I dont know wether to be worried or not. I think not. Fuck her and let her deal with it. aha. Probably better for her then the things I do to myself.

Allen came over again. He insisted we go out back and mess around with baseball and Bat. See how for we coudl hit that sort of crap. Hes such an ass. Why the hell would anyone  .... well just TWO people, not even enough to play a full base ball game,"mess around" with ball and bat for two hours. I complied because I thought he would get off my back.

So that girrrrllll. a while back. The one who gave me a note in school.

Turns out she didnt want my nuts.
she actually wanted homework help.

So weve been texting. It will only be a matter of time before she does.
Want my nuts that is.

I dont know when the next drinking Day will be.

I'm trying to take it slow for my mothers sake.

I feel like a rotton child taking advantage of them in little ways like this.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Elizabeth would chopp my balls off if 
i ever even threatened to call her lizzy. Shed seriously kick my fucking ass. 

it all started with lizzy macguire. she hated that show. Dont get mad! so many people respond badly whe she says this. 

But yes, elizabeth. I feel she is the only person I might know. . . even in the slightest bit. but she can see right through me. And maybe she knows I am shallow. Maybe she knows Ive never been close. 

Elizabeth tells me her secrets easily and openly all the time. Its as if she just gives them to me. But sometimes I realize something. whenever she tells me something I get this strange feeling about her. like shes not . . . telling me any secret at all. but instad taunting me with the idea that she knows she can tell me anything. that she is close , and can be close with me, and yet, I can not be close to her. despite this all. despite knowing her since nearly birth. yet she knows everything about me. and tells me anything. with such a taunting tone it seems. like she has something to proove. in my ability to listen and not speak. 

This makes me feel even more the outsider. I do not want to feel alone.
oddly- even though more then anything
Id love to change her mind, and out of spite open up all my secrets and tell her everything. just only to proove a point. But i cant even do that. 

So, I am broken. arn't I? 

I am such a little bitch. look at me venting. God Allen would pound my face in. hes a fucking homophobe, and if anyone he knows  displays any sort of demasculinity then he goes off and turns on some inner switch only he knows about. where suddenly hes stronger, sexier, and ultimately more intelligent , and too good for the rest of us. He does anything to prove his strength. his superiority. Sometimes I wonder if he was like fucking picked on by a fag or something,. hes such a coward.

and look at me use the word fag. I dont mean anything by it. 

So I may or may not be drinking right now. 

And i understand this may or may not be the second time in one week. maybe not the best decision. But its not hurting me any. If I am drinking at all that is. It isnt like I have school tomorrow.

this is enough bitchig for one night. 

god damn this is what happens when your older sister asks to borrown the cd, and doesnt have it. so when you get drunk you have to fare wihtout it. and your mind just wanderssssssss


Oh I am horrible.

My poor mother.
 not a morning person.
I'm very much so a night person. All night long I feel it is my only function, to stay awake. There is nothing else I can do.
I stay up and listen to music. There is nothing else. At least I dont feel so. I feel as If I must stay up. Oh christ. Fucking jesus christ. Look at me bitching. Any way. I wake her up every night. And I feel so guilty. But I cat stop the things I do. If the sound is down too low I wont be able to hear it. and I feel like these nighttime moments are all that make up my life.

I still do the same thing every night. I try to eliminate the talking and slamming doors and such. But i cant get rid of the music and the Tv. I dont have headphones right now either. so That is out of the question.

On another note, i realize just how shallow I am. Elizabeth (queenie) ....( for if i wasnt clear enough the first time, i nicknamed queen because her name is elizabeth. it started out queen elizabeth. then it was queenie, and sometimes quinn. and this all happened when we were 7). things like that are unchangeable. if only we knew what a foundation meant.. . .

Not that we ever did anything wrong. Or treated eachother badly.

But few realize that when you are young. between 5 and 12 certain friends are made. lasting best friends. and certain rules are laid down. traditions are made (even if something is only done once) and the standard for every summer every friendship and every feeling of love is set. Right in those innocent youthfull moments. If i knew then, that the things I did, those simple fun moments, would be the ones I would look back to for the rest of my life, Maybe i would have been more attentive in what I was doing. And maybe i would have been more realistic.

So that this letdown wouldnt be such a letdown. but instead something anticipated, expexted even.

this life without the dreams aspirations and fairy tales, would be so much easier to swallow. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

it's been a while but its DRINKING DAY

Ok. so I am drinking already.  well into the tradition i introdiced to you as drinking day. you all know it. I have decided that even if my oh so busy life some how manages to keep me from writing, i will at least try to write on drinking day. And this one is special because i have not drinken in what i consider well over a week.

this week i got my usual vodka annnnndddd. BEERRRRRR! something out of a can not a bottle.
I am actually way too drunk to remember. :( I am so drink i shall post this now and write more later this evenin. I sthink I am sdoing pretty goood for being drunk. :)