Saturday, March 10, 2012


Elizabeth would chopp my balls off if 
i ever even threatened to call her lizzy. Shed seriously kick my fucking ass. 

it all started with lizzy macguire. she hated that show. Dont get mad! so many people respond badly whe she says this. 

But yes, elizabeth. I feel she is the only person I might know. . . even in the slightest bit. but she can see right through me. And maybe she knows I am shallow. Maybe she knows Ive never been close. 

Elizabeth tells me her secrets easily and openly all the time. Its as if she just gives them to me. But sometimes I realize something. whenever she tells me something I get this strange feeling about her. like shes not . . . telling me any secret at all. but instad taunting me with the idea that she knows she can tell me anything. that she is close , and can be close with me, and yet, I can not be close to her. despite this all. despite knowing her since nearly birth. yet she knows everything about me. and tells me anything. with such a taunting tone it seems. like she has something to proove. in my ability to listen and not speak. 

This makes me feel even more the outsider. I do not want to feel alone.
oddly- even though more then anything
Id love to change her mind, and out of spite open up all my secrets and tell her everything. just only to proove a point. But i cant even do that. 

So, I am broken. arn't I? 

I am such a little bitch. look at me venting. God Allen would pound my face in. hes a fucking homophobe, and if anyone he knows  displays any sort of demasculinity then he goes off and turns on some inner switch only he knows about. where suddenly hes stronger, sexier, and ultimately more intelligent , and too good for the rest of us. He does anything to prove his strength. his superiority. Sometimes I wonder if he was like fucking picked on by a fag or something,. hes such a coward.

and look at me use the word fag. I dont mean anything by it. 

So I may or may not be drinking right now. 

And i understand this may or may not be the second time in one week. maybe not the best decision. But its not hurting me any. If I am drinking at all that is. It isnt like I have school tomorrow.

this is enough bitchig for one night. 

god damn this is what happens when your older sister asks to borrown the cd, and doesnt have it. so when you get drunk you have to fare wihtout it. and your mind just wanderssssssss


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