Tonight is a drinking night.
So Duh I'm fucking pissfaced now.
But for some odd reason I cant focus on that. I can only focus on stress.
I posted in my last entry "I need a cigarette"
so as a 17 year old in cleveland- it's pretty fucking easy to get one of those ya know. So I got some earlier. Hated them and threw them away. Buttttt I kept one. For what ever reason. So I was really upset and I went to go smoke one
I'm actually a bit intimidated by cigarets. I have an addictive personalty. I don't want to get hooked. But I smoked one any way. thinking I might relax. I didn't. I hated it. It made my throat hurt and I felt guilty. So I flushed it down the toilette.
thennnnn...... seconds later craved it with an insane desire. I almost thought of grabbing it out of the toilette and drying it off and smoking it.
To which I answered in total conscience - WHAT THE FUCK?
Really. I could just go buy more. I told myself to go get some more wine. But it was like my body didn't want wine. My body wanted tobacco. What the hell? I thought. This is the quickest way to get cancer. I know first hand what regular smoking can do. I don't want to be a part of it.
You wanna know something funny? My parents told me when I was 13 that they stopped smoking in my name. See? I cant just be fucking ignorant and start now.
no, not a chance. But I want to. Tell me what do you think this means?
Actually- This blog is proving to be quite valuable because in the time its taken me to write this I have decided that I don't need a cig. still- love the cigars Allen brings over. No shit. But that's a different story.